i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
