apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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