My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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