Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
