ugly people sure do ruin things
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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