plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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