Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
