I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
