My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
