He uses pillows to masturbate.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
