It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
