I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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