We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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