god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just forgot I was standing up.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
