my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
