If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
