can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
