Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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