there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
