I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
