I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
