: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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