I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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