i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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