wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The uberlube is also flammable
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
