I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
