I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
