we're chasing vodka with high fives
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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