How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
