I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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