Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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