i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
