Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I cut my penus on the lid.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
