what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
