she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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