I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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