Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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