i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
