I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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