OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
