just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
