please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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