Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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