i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
