Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
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I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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