There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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