Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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