i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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