I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
