i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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