I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
