She's the barista slut.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
