A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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