Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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