there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you made out with another girl for some wings
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
