Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
