Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
