she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
